Saturday, November 29, 2014

On Memories of Putting up the Family Christmas Tree

One of the most cherished traditions of the Christmas season is bringing home the Christmas tree. I remember as a child my whole family would pile into the old station wagon and head for the tree lot in town. Traditionally we didn’t put the tree up until Christmas Eve (Mom’s rules!) but we bought it a couple of weeks before that each year to have a good selection. We’d all jump out of the car and scatter into the dark recesses of the tree lot, and cries of, “Come look at this one, Mom! Come see this one, Dad!” would be heard from all directions. There were six of us, plus Mom and Dad. We’d argue over this tree or that, searching for the fattest, fullest, tallest tree on the lot. But ultimately it was Mom who had the final say. She always chose a big, Blue Spruce. Our home had high ceilings, so it was usually over eight feet tall. Dad and the tree lot guy would wrestle the prickly monster onto the roof of the Chevy wagon – not as high up as today’s wagon, the mini-van – and tie it down. Then off home we’d go, singing Christmas carols and fighting over prime seating.
Back then you didn’t worry about seat belts, so generally the wayback was laid down, and all of us kids would crowd into the back on piles of blankets and bounce around like jumping beans all the way home.
At home, Dad would place the cut end of the tree into a bucket of water, which he kept religiously filled until the big day came and that magnificent tree came inside and was ceremoniously shoved and screwed into the old-fashioned, red and green metal stand, accompanied by much cussing, and eager “help” from us kids. Nothing skins a knuckle like the screws on a Christmas tree stand, let me tell you.
Then Dad would stand it up and one of us kids would belly under there and fill the stand with water. Dad would then anchor the tree to the wall on two sides with fishing line – our old Siamese cat, Sam, was a climber. The story of the year the tree came down and many antique ornaments shattered is often retold even today.
Then all the kids would run pell mell up to the attic and bring down the box of ornaments and the box of Christmas doo dads. And somebody else would carry down the box with the family nativity, inherited from Aunt Mildred. I always carried the box with my very own nativity, given to me on my twelfth birthday by my godmother, Aunt Priscilla. That nativity still goes up every year to this day. The first thing I always did -- and still do! -- when I opened that box was to sniff deeply of that good, German rubber. Ahhhh. That smells like Christmas, even today. 
We’d thunder back downstairs with our treasures, and open the boxes on the living room floor while Dad struggled with the strands of fat, colored tree lights. New words were learned on such occasions.
After the lights were up, Mom and Dad would sit on the couch enjoying a little Christmas cheer while we kids unloaded the ornaments. Each child was allowed to hang his or her own, personal ornaments, and how we cherished each one! Our Grandma Mullen gave us each a new one most years, so we had a nice collection. My personal favorite was the pink, velvet elephant perched on a blue circus ball.
Dad hung the colored, glass balls, just so, with Mom offering little bits of advice from the couch.
“There’s a blank spot over there, Gene. No, just a bit higher. There you go!” she’d say, smiling serenely. Good eggnog, I think in retrospect.
Finally it would be time for the angel. This was a sore spot with me, as two of my little sisters had angels which alternated years as the tree topper. One had yellow hair, the other, pink. Their dresses were made of burlap. As the oldest, it was hard for me to swallow that special privilege going to them. A sad confession, but there you are. It was probably character building.
(My mother eventually did, out of pity, get me an angel. She had a red, polka-dotted, cardboard skirt and hard, plastic hair painted gold. She held candles in her hands, and had very seductive eyes. However, she didn't make it to the top of a tree until I got married, and was ousted when my first daughter was born, and was given a lovely, Precious Moments tree-topper angel by her God-mother.)
At last, the tree would be done. The traditional decorations, such as the plastic and red velvet mistletoe ball and the odd, dry-cleaner-bag wreath made by Grandma Mullen; the candles shaped like Santa and Mrs. Claus which got a little stumpier every year and could never be burned; the bowl of silver and blue balls which shed fake snow; the little, wooden angel family representing all of us; and the statue of the Holy Family, were placed around the house.
We’d all drink hot chocolate and sit in the darkened living room, listening to the Firestone Christmas albums playing on the LP player, staring at the tree, and enjoying a rare moment of familial harmony.
Those were good times. I’ve tried to carry them through for my own children, and we have incorporated some of my childhood traditions and some of their dad’s. And we’ve made up some of our own. The tree goes up Thanksgiving weekend, and we have all the fun of admiring the ornaments and enjoying that lovely, fresh tree – I prefer a fir – through mid-January. But the fetching of the Chlovechok tree is another story for another day. Merry Christmas from the Chlovechok family!

Thursday, November 27, 2014

A Funny Thanksgiving Story

Ah, family get-togethers: The petri-dish of hilarious memories and embarrassing tales that never, never die.
Nothing will beat the year my brother, Alex, set the stuffing on fire. (Maybe I'll re-post that tomorrow.) But we had a funny thing happen this Thanksgiving.
I always cook the turkey according to my dad's recipe, which calls for an hour-and-a-half of browning time on each side before tenting the bird with aluminum foil to allow it to cook out the final few hours without over-browning.
Today I cooked the turkey at my brother's house. He has a nice stove with a digital control for the oven and timer. When the timer went off after the second browning session at around 2:30, and it was time to tent the bird with foil, I found my brother-in-law (who has requested he remain unnamed) turning off the timer.
I tented it the turkey, and then set the timer for three hours before heading up to take a nap in a spare room.
At 5:30 the timer went off, and I asked one of the men lurking around the house sniffing the air to remove it from the oven. He did so, and I took off the foil, to discover the timer hadn't popped up. The bird was a bit pale, too. And the final, damning evidence of trouble, we noticed the oven...and the bird...weren't hot any more.
Oh oh.
My bro-in-law sheepishly said, "Um, I think when I turned off the timer (three hours earlier, remember) I actually turned off the oven."
Whoops.
So the bird had been languishing in the oven for three hours, making no forward progress.
Fortunately, Kelsey and her beau, Jeremy, had brought another turkey to deep fry out in the yard. And we'd planned to eat late anyway. So I turned the oven back on, and Mr. Turkey resumed roasting.
We were hungry, so we decided to go ahead and eat the pies then! And I think this was a great decision, because I'm usually too full from dinner to enjoy the pie. This year, the pie was the featured first course.
At 9 p.m. we all sat down to a late, but fabulous, Thanksgiving dinner.
And it was delicious!
Happy Thanksgiving!

Saturday, November 15, 2014

On This, the Eve of the Anniversary of my Mother's Death.

Thirteen years ago tonight, we got the call we'd been dreading -- and then resignedly awaiting --  for three years, ever since Mom was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. Ironically, she was the one making the call.
"I'm going to Hospice," she breathed strenuously. "I'm calling to say goodbye. I love you."
"Mom! I love you, too. You wait for me! I'm coming!" I cried. I gathered my brother, my children, my husband, and we made the two-and-a-half hour trip to Dayton. It was after 10 p.m. when we arrived. Amazingly, as we pulled into the parking lot of Hospice of Dayton, so did my sister from Chicago and her family. My sister and brother from Columbus beat us there.
All six of us made it in time to spend Mom's last few hours by her side.
Only our sister who lived in Dayton, who had spent so much of her time during those years helping Dad care for Mom, wasn't there at the very end. She and Dad had gone to rest when we got there, thinking there would be more time.
We always think that, don't we?
And it seemed that Mom couldn't let go in front of them, as if doing so would somehow let them down since they'd spent so much time and effort keeping her alive and as comfortable as possible. So while they were there, she endured.
When they went home to rest, she began to let go. I've heard this happens all the time.
We sat around that bed, with our husbands keeping watch, and sang her favorite songs while she smiled and listened with her eyes closed.
We told all the old, family stories and  jokes.
Her breathing grew slower, but she hung on.
"Mom," we finally whispered, "It's okay to let go. It's okay to go now."
She sighed. It was okay.
And at the end, she opened her eyes and looked toward the bottom of the bed and whispered, "Daddy . . . "
I looked, but couldn't see the grandfather I'd never met. But I believe her beloved father came to escort her on her way. Why not?
She breathed her last, and we weren't sure. The nurse confirmed she was gone. And my brothers went to get Dad and our sister.
And you know, if she had to die, it was a good death. She didn't seem to suffer. We were with her. It could have been worse.
You'll know what the days that followed were like, if you've ever lost someone close. And we all stood by each other, and by Dad. We all still stand by each other 13 years later.
Tonight, we've chatted about Mom on our sibling text chain. Memories, jokes, silly things only we get.
We'll all call Dad tonight or tomorrow, to reminisce with him.
God blessed us, and continues to do so, because he gave us parents who taught us to care, even when it hurts.
Mom, you did a good job. Thanks for teaching us to follow in your footsteps.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

On ... I'll give you something to worry about!

What, me? Worry?
Remember the guy from Mad Magazine? He always said, “What, me? Worry?” with a big grin on his face. I liked that cartoon guy. Good attitude. 

These days we tend to worry about everything, whether we can do a darned thing about it or not.  I’m often guilty.
Lately, people have been worrying a lot about the terrible disease spreading in Africa called Ebola. And it’s a bad one, for sure.
But for right now, at least, it isn’t freely spreading in the U.S. 
It’s contagious through body fluids, so to get it, you need to come into contact with the body fluids of an infected person. Fortunately, that’s not very likely for most of us right at this moment, in this place. That could change, and if it does, I’m sure there will be all sorts of advice on how we can protect ourselves. 
In fact, I was at a hospital today, and there are now signs posted here and there asking people specifically whether they've traveled in Africa in Ebola-infected countries, and explicitly depicting symptoms. 
Now, if you throw up, get diarrhea or a fever, but you HAVE NOT been to Africa lately, and you HAVE NOT been exposed to someone who has, then you MOST LIKELY do NOT have Ebola. You've got an intestinal bug or something, so take a Tylenol and chill, ok?
If you start throwing up or pooping blood, well, you're in trouble, though it's still probably not Ebola. Get help. 
So, got it? For now, you most likely don't need to worry about getting Ebola in the U.S. 

Meanwhile, there’s something else you DO need to – and can! – protect yourself against.
It is a disease you need to worry about right here and right now. It’s Influenza – the flu. It kills a lot of people right here in the U.S. every year, and not only the very young or very old or immuno-compromised people, as you might think. It sometimes, inexplicably, kills the young and healthy.
But guess what? You can protect yourself and your family right now by getting a simple, inexpensive flu shot. You can get one at your doctor’s office, at a local pharmacy, at the health department in your county. 
I just can't get my head around people who are afraid of getting something as unlikely as Ebola, but won't get a flu shot to protect themselves against a real-life killer right here at home. Sheesh! SHEESH!
When I was a kid, I'd often worry about other people's business. I'd worry about whether I was doing more chores than my sisters, for example. Heh. I remember my dad catching me behaving in this rather unbecoming fashion and saying, "I'll give you something to worry about!"
Well, I'm a grown-up now, and I know there are things to worry about . . . thing more important than who is doing the most chores. And things that are in my own reality, close to home. 
Don’t wait until it’s too late. Get yourself and your family vaccinated against the flu now, while the getting is good.
I got mine last week! Ain't I the bomb?

Thursday, October 23, 2014

On . .. School House Rocks!

I think that the School House Rock series that originally showed in between cartoons on Saturday mornings on ABC in the 1970s  is arguably one of the most inventive and successful teaching tools ever!
I was a tween during that time, and I still remember the words to many of those songs.
And I can't count the times one of them helped me on a test. The Preamble to the Constitution, which I can sing to this day, helped me ace several government tests throughout high school. And I believe it won me a beer once in a bar in college.
Here's the link for The Preamble song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHp7sMqPL0g
These songs were all sung by famous rock/folk/country stars of the era.
Mother Necessity is all about important inventors, such as Alexander Graham Bell and Eli Whitney. Check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEGQUgWBQL4
Maybe the best remembered is The Shot Heard Round the World, teaching about the Revolutionary War in a very catchy fashion. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZMmPWTwTHc.
Over the years, they came out with America Rock, Grammar Rock, Multiplication Rock and Science Rock. These series are all excellent, and I recommend them to parents who want to give their kids a catchy way to remember important facts, dates, people and events.
If you've never seen these, go check them out. Look them up on YouTube. There's Conjunction Junction; Inter-planet Janet, etc.
Ever wonder  how the national debt got its start? Check out Tyrannosaurus Debt! "Feeding time is ALL the time!"  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0efqnvYz4YI. Did you know the Civil War debt hadn't been paid off by WWI? Oy, Vey!
So go watch some of these gems with your kids. It's learning with fun. And boy, some of these messages are even more apropos today than when they were first written.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

On writing that novel you've been considering!

Did you ever want to write a book? Most people have considered it at least once or twice. We're all full of ideas and experiences we're sure would benefit the world.
But how on Earth to get started?
Here's an easy kick-in-the-pants method.
Every November, there's a website that sponsors a novel-writing binge called NaNoWriMo. It stands for National Novel Writing Month.
You go to the free site at www.nanowrimo.org, make an account, and on November first, you just start writing that novel you've been thinking about. You have 31 days to write 50,000 words.
There's lots of support on the site, and you can keep track of your word count there.
Does 50,000 words seem like a lot? It's fewer than 2000 words a day. You can do it.
The old saw has it that, "A writer writes."
This is true. If you fancy yourself a writer, then it may be time for you to put up, or shut up.
The advice is to just plunge in. Don't stop to edit your work. Keep going. At the end of the month, if you've plowed on through, you'll have a novel.
YOU will be a novelist.
An unpublished one, sure, but that's a mighty cool group of people. All the best authors started out that way.
There is still a week left before November 1. Use the week to outline your novel. Come up with your characters, and your plot. Perhaps decide what will be the basic framework of your book. Then, on November 1, dive in.
If you have a beginning and an end in mind, and a basic understanding of what you want to happen in the middle, you'll be less likely to find yourself on a crazy tangent off in Argentina somewhere with your characters and unsure of how to bring them back home.
And be sure ... sure...SURE to back up your work. I lost my novel last year about 30,000 words in when my computer crashed, and I hadn't backed it up on a disk or thumb drive.
That. Hurt.
But, it wasn't really a very good book, anyway. :)
So. I'm going to do it this year. Two of my kids are going to do it this year.
Will you give it a try? I'd love to hear from you!
NOTE: I regret that I can not read or edit your book once it is done. I'm not really qualified to do so. I'm a newspaper editor, not a book editor. And I've never sold a book of my own, so why the heck would you want me to edit yours? But people ask all the time. So I thought I'd mention here that I simply don't have time. Sorry!
If enough people in the Cambridge area decide to take on this challenge, we can form a NaNoWriMo support group. Think coffee, think wine. Happy writing!

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

On being a crafty, crafty girlie!

I've always loved crafts. That's why I loved Girl Scouts, more as a leader, really, than as a girl. That's because as a leader I could control the activities, and you can be sure they always included a craft. We had some dandies, too! The time we twisted dryer hoses into circles, stapled them together, painted them orange and stuck a wad of green paper into the hole to create fall pumpkin decorations stands out in my mind with shining splendor.
Then I discovered SWAPS. Oh, those wonderful, miniature crafts peculiar to Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts. The ideas are so clever...the possibilities endless! 
I have a hat full of them! You make them, trade them, collect them. Fun for everyone!
A couple examples include: Get tiny, glass tubes with stoppers. Get green play money. Shred it. Place in glass. Make tiny label that reads, "In case of emergency, break glass and apply tape."
Ha!
Or they could be tiny replicas of camping equipment -- very popular with scouts. A cotton puff on a Q-Tip is a s'more. A bottle cap covered with plastic mesh and a couple of brown buttons is a BBQ. 
Can you see the wonder? 
I've gone through many crafting periods, each one a frenzy of activity as I became immersed in learning a new craft, achieved some measure of competency, got bored and moved on.
On my walls are cross stitches from my "Needle Period." (Sorry, Cooper...I'll get to your baby sampler by the time you graduate from ... let's say college.)
I have a collection of painted ceramics I took delight in creating. My dad absolutely LOVES the ceramic Santa I gave him. Maybe.
 I enjoy creating cosplay costumes, and going to conventions with my kids. This is a wholesome family activity, and fun for all. AND it allows our creative sides to have a field day. I've done Professor Umbridge and Professor Sprout from Harry Potter. This year I may go for Maurine Robinson from Lost in Space. 
There is a quilt on my middle child's bed, pieced when I was carrying her 21 years ago, and quilted (by someone else) for her high school graduation.
There is a portfolio of watercolors I deem too horrible to frame in the garage.
There are several nice stained glass pieces in drawers, as the windows in my home aren't right for hanging them.
There are many, many knitted scarves gracing the hooks on the walls in the homes of friends and family.
There are scrapbooks here and there in the house, commemorating this or that or them.
In the basement are bags of cross stitch materials; a box of stained glass tools; a box of watercolors; scrap-booking stuff; the list goes on.
My late ex called me flighty.
I prefer to think of myself as eclectic.
My latest passion is for paint parties. Have you tried this yet? Oh, my, GOODNESS! You pay a fee, and sit down in front of a blank, white canvas. Lying on the table are clean brushes. And before you is a palette of lovely, lovely paint. 
The teacher -- in this neck of the woods Cindy Carnahan -- displays her sample, and explains and demonstrates in great detail exactly how to recreate the wondrous masterpiece you'll be taking home that night. 
I've done goofy dogs, a koi, a black cat, the Eiffel Tower, a rooster, several landscapes, snowmen, a lighthouse, bird houses, coffee cups, and most recently, a lovely, Halloween witch. 
Are they original? To me, yeah! 
Are they brilliant? To me, yeah!
Do you want one? I can hook you up. I foisted the lighthouse off on my bro by gifting it to his foster son. It has glitter on it. Hey! It was a gift of love!
I'm foisted another off on a friend by writing her family name on it . . . a Christmas ornament picture. Heh heh.
She can't get rid of it til I'm dead.
I gave one to my sister by writing her children's names on each of three bird houses. It's not half bad, really.
And I'm planning on foisting another off as a housewarming gift this very weekend. 
Hey, if I'm ever famous (probably not for painting) these will be worth a fortune.
I'll get tired of this eventually, and move on. Possibly when I run out of wall space.
Meanwhile . . . I love it!
 So I encourage you to go out and find something crafty to do. You'll grow your brain, and fill your home and those of your friends and family with wonderful, handmade delights. 
I may try origami next.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

On What to do if Your House is INVADED . . . by fleas.

My home recently had an itchy problem... fleas! This has happened once before, many years ago. Back then I lived in a small apartment with two cats. They were indoor/outdoor cats. Inevitably in the summer, in spite of flea collars, they got a bad case of fleas. And so did we!
I finally resorted to flea bombing the place. That was before products like Frontline became readily available. Nowadays all you have to do, it seems, is start early and keep up with those monthly drops between your pet's shoulder blades, or those great flea pills you can get for dogs or cats from your vet, and presto! No fleas.
But what if you were remiss in the spring? What if you didn't use the magic drops or pill, and suddenly you're hopping with tiny little vampires all over your pets, your furniture, your carpets and -- ulp -- yourself!
I confess that last summer this was me! I was cheap, or just plain lazy, and didn't buy the drops or pills in the spring. In late summer I noticed the dog scratching quite a bit, and I did use the drops then -- but it was too late. We were already infested. I just didn't realize how bad the situation was until one morning when I was sitting on my couch, I glanced at a white blanket draped over the back. Before my eyes, five fleas hopped across the blanket and disappeared into the pile of the sofa.
Argh!
I consulted with a veterinarian friend and a dog groomer friend, and they agreed. I must go to war -- I'm talking boots on the ground, here.
So I coordinated my efforts. I bought flea shampoo for the dog and flea spray for the cats. I got them all flea collars. I bought plug-in-flea traps which have a night light at the top, and a pad of fly paper below. The room is darkened at night, and the only light is the nightlight above the fly paper. The little buggers are attracted to the light, and when they try to hop up, bam! They get stuck on the fly paper. Heh heh. So long, blood-suckers!
I bought flea spray for the furniture and carpets. And finally, the big guns; three flea bombs.
One fine morning after the kids left for school, the dog got a flea bath. I then applied a flea collar to her and popped her out onto the screened porch, which had been sprayed the night before. I held the cats down and thoroughly sprayed their fur with specially designed flea spray for cats. This is dangerous! (Not for the cats! For the humans!) I got scratched. I then put flea collars on the cats and tossed them out with the dog. (Alternatively, you could deliver all your animals to the groomer for a flea bath on bombing day.)
Next I made sure all the windows were closed, the air conditioner was off, all food was put away, the fish tank filter was off and the tank covered, and Ike the Snake was out on the porch with the cats and dog. If I'd had a gas stove or furnace or water heater, I would have followed the directions and made sure the pilot lights were out. This presumably keeps the house from blowing up.
I laid newspaper down on three surfaces in the house, following the directions on the flea bomb cans, and I let em rip. Then I got the heck out of there for six hours. 
Later I went in, opened doors and windows, threw out the newspapers and cans, and washed my hands. I stayed outside on the porch for an hour.
Then I vacuumed the entire house, and threw the bag away outside.
I plugged in my little fly paper traps, let the animals back in, and waited two weeks. Then I did it again. All of it. You've got to deal with hatching eggs, alas.
We were flea-free after that, but what a production! I don't care to repeat it.
This past spring I was prepared with those magic pills, and it's a good thing as I've heard fleas are particularly bad this year. The expense has been worth it, because once you've got the little bloodsuckers in your life, you've got to coordinate your efforts on all fronts, or you'll just get 'em back right away. Believe me. I know! 

Some people recommend spraying the yard to lower the number of fleas which can jump on board their pets in the first place, (and on them, too! They'll ride in on human legs, folks), but I don't like to do this, as it also kills bugs I want. And I'm not convinced it's good for other fauna.
Other people recommend planting certain herbs in the yard to repel fleas. Some of these include: Lavender; Pennyroyal (but NOT if you have cats! It's toxic to them.); Catnip; Mint (invasive...use a root containment system or it'll be everywhere); Wormwood (keep away from food crops. Wormwood produces a botanical toxin.)
And before using anything on or around your animals or kids, check with your vet and your doctor.
Good luck, and don't worry about fighting fair. In the war against fleas, anything goes!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

On: This News Makes me Want to SING!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

On the Tradition of the Jack O'Lantern!

Jack O'Lantern, Jack O'Lantern, you are such a funny sight, as you sit there in the window, looking out at the night! Once you were a yellow pumpkin growing on a green vine,  now you are a Jack O'Lantern, see your candle light shine!

I wish I could sing this for you, so you could hear the tune. I love it!

Then there's this one: Five yellow pumpkins sitting on a gate; the first one said, "My, it's getting late!" The second one said, "There are witches in the air!" The third one said, "Well I don't care!" The fourth one said, "Let's run and run and run;" the fifth one said, "I'm ready for some fun" ...wooooo went the wind and out went the light! And the five yellow pumpkins rolled out of sight!

Halloween runs neck and neck with Christmas as my favorite holiday. This is aside from any religious significance to holidays such as Christmas and Easter. I'm talking pure, secular fun. When it comes to religious importance, yeah, Christmas and Easter are the biggies.

But for fun, fun, fun, it's Halloween and Christmas. Probably in that order.

Do you carve a Jack O'Lantern? My dad was the Jack O'Lantern King, and he passed his skill and knowledge on to his children. I, in turn, have passed it on to mine. And now Molly has taken over the reins of Chlovechok Jack O'Lantern Craft Queen. Here's her latest effort: (She went traditional this year.)


So have you heard the story of the origins of the Jack O'Lantern? It's a story that goes back hundreds of years to Ireland, to a stingy, mean, cruel man named Stingy Jack.
The story goes that Stingy Jack was so mean and nasty, he loved to play cruel tricks on just about everyone, even his own mother. Even on the Devil himself!
One day, Stingy Jack was walking down the road when he chanced to meet the Devil, who was out for a stroll. The Devil said, "Well, Stingy Jack, you're such a miserable example of a human, you're sure to be bound for Hell when you die . . . so I'll be looking forward to collecting your soul.
Now, Stingy Jack may have been mean and miserable, but he wasn't stupid. Thinking fast, he said, "Well, Devil, that's fine, but would you mind going up there and picking me a fine, red apple from that tree?"
The Devil said yes, and he climbed up the tree, limber as a mink.
Stingy Jack leaped to the tree and quickly put a circle of crosses around it. The Devil could not touch a cross or jump over one, so he was trapped in the tree.
"Let me down from here, Stingy Jack!" he cried.
"Not unless you promise never to take my soul to Hell!" Jack replied smugly.
Well, Old Nick was stumped, and finally agreed, reluctantly, to never take Stingy Jack's soul into Hell. And Jack removed the crosses and let the Devil down from the apple tree.
Eventually, Stingy Jack died, and happily made his way up to the Pearly Gates, where he was greeted by Saint Peter. Checking his list, Saint Peter frowned at Jack and said, "Jack, you're a stingy, miserable human being who's never done a kind thing for another person. You've lived a worthless life, and you can't come in here."
So Jack went on down to Hell, and banged on the gates. The Devil came to see who was knocking, and when he saw Jack, scowled. "What do you want, Stingy Jack?" he asked.
"They won't let me into Heaven, so I came here," Jack said.
The Devil threw back his head and laughed. "But Jack!" he said, wiping a tear of mirth from his eye. "I promised never to take your miserable soul into Hell. You can't come in."
Jack stared at the Devil. "But, where will I go?" he asked.
"Back to where you came from," the Devil said with a shrug.
"But it's dark in the Netherworld between here and there! How will I find my way!"
So, taking pity on him, the Devil tossed him a glowing ember straight from the fires of Hell. Stingy Jack took a turnip -- his favorite food, so he always carried a couple in his pickets -- hollowed it out and placed the ember inside. He cut a couple of holes so the light would shine out . . . and when he was done it looked like a face.
Using its light he found his way back to the place from which he'd come -- Ireland.
And that was the first Jack O'Lantern.
There were no pumpkins in Ireland, so the Irish took to carving turnips, gourds, even potatoes and placing candles inside, carving scary faces in them to keep the evil spirits away.
When Irish immigrants reached America they quickly discovered that pumpkins were bigger and easier to hollow out, and switched to using them to make their Jack O'Lanterns.
And THAT's where the Jack O'Lantern came from.



Friday, October 10, 2014

On the Importance of Souvenirs

How full is your house of crappola? I'm talking stuff you thought you Could. Not. Live. Without. when you bought it, inherited it, talked your sister into giving it to you, or scavenged it from your neighbor's trash bin.
Mine is pretty full. No space left on the shelves. No room at the inn.
So when I go on vacation, I tend to leave the ricky-ticky souvenirs behind, because in addition to trying to conserve money, I simply have nowhere for them.
But I am a sentimental fool, so I have to have something of a place I've visited to take home to cherish, so I can revisit that place whenever I like.
Somewhere along the line, I realized that doesn't have to mean something I've purchased in a shop. Although, sometimes I am tempted by things I see in shops.
I love original art, but that is not cheap, generally. It's a fun challenge to see if I can find a little shop featuring local art work by unknown artists or craftsmen, where I might get lucky and find something unique and cheap. This is especially doable if you take a cruise to the islands, where there is often wonderful artwork for sale at very low prices.
That tempts me, I'll admit.
But since there isn't much more room on  my walls than there is on my shelves, I can't hang up much more art.
AND there's still the matter of wanting to conserve my hard earned money.
So now when I go on vacation, I pretty much stay out of stores, to avoid temptation.
That doesn't mean I don't take home some pretty sweet souvenirs. I just don't pay for them.
Don't worry, the cops aren't going to be after me. I don't pay for them because my favorite kind of souvenir is now a collection of photos I take of my vacation: The place, the people, the scenery, the buildings, the wildlife, the activities, and fun little bits and bobs that catch my eye. Then I print out a few and frame them...which is why my walls are so darned full! Or I make a Facebook album to share.
These photos give me a lot of pleasure, both in creating them and in admiring them later. I'm no pro...some shots are better than others, and some I trash on the spot.
The other thing I love to do is to search beaches for interesting shells, driftwood and beach glass. This entertains me endlessly. (I'm a cheap date.)
I have quite the collection, and was thrilled recently when my daughter Molly brought me a cupful she'd gathered on the shores of the Arctic Ocean in Norway! It includes two broken bits of flowery teacups. Fun fun fun!
So when you go on vacation, don't drag the Eiffel
Tower home with you, except in pixels. Leave the Sears Tower in Chicago, and the Empire State Building in the Empire State.
Take photos. They'll last a lifetime, and can exist only on your computer if you wish.
And look for beach glass. That's for me, honey. Bring it on by, and I'll make you a cup of coffee (or pour you a glass of wine) and listen while you tell me all about your vacation.




Here I am hiking a nature trail on Emerald Isle, N.C. on a recent trip. I left the mosquitoes there, and kept the photo!

Sunday, October 5, 2014

On Sunday Afternoon Movie Picks

It's Sunday afternoon. I was supposed to be most of the way to North Carolina to help my oldest move back to Ohio, but alas . . . yesterday I was struck down in my prime by the dreaded intestinal flu.
(This is not actually the flu, my late ex informed me. The flu is influenza...a respiratory ailment, which can kill ya, so get yer flu shot.)
Anyway, we call the thing I spent yesterday suffering the stomach flu. And let me tell you, it's no darned fun. You've been there. You know.
So tangents aside, here I am spending the day in my pj's instead of driving south. So I'm thinking I'll watch a movie.
But which movie to watch?
This is an important decision because it's two hours of my life. (Four if I go for a double feature! Which is likely.)
If the kids were watching with me, I'd have to bow to their taste, and we'd consider something like Harry Potter, Indiana Jones, Star Wars, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or another action adventure. Sometimes I'll watch an animated movie with the kids, either something Japanese or a good old Disney movie. Or we might indulge in a musical. These are all enjoyable, but not what I'm in the mood for today.
My favorite genre is, hands down, romantic comedy. I love a love story, and when I find one I really enjoy, I buy it so I can watch it over and over. Also because I have a terrible record of returning rentals, and find it cheaper to buy and avoid the steep fines.
Ask my kids how many times they've sat through any of Diane Keaton's many romantic comedies, and you'll see I speak the truth.
My love affair with love affairs began back in my 20's with Diane's movie Baby Boom. In those days I longed for babies of my own, and that movie hit my needs of the time on every level. I was married to a guy who spent all his time, by necessity, at work (resident physicians have no life) ... so I was spending a lot of time alone. And we certainly didn't have the time or resources for kids yet.  There wasn't much romance, alas, and there wasn't much comedy. So I watched Baby Boom dozens of times. It made me happy.
As the years went by, I had babies of my own, and my entertainment needs evolved to simply enjoying a good romantic comedy.
My hubby liked them well enough, especially if I'd agree to watch Arnold or another action hero in between. So we did fine in that area.
Now that I'm single, I still love watching those delightful departures into someone else's zany romantic life.
I love Jane Austin, which is more wry than outright comedic, and own three different sets of her novels in movie form; all wonderful. I have also collected an enviable selection of romantic comedies featuring everyone from Diane Lane to Sandra Bullock to Katherine Heigl to Helen Mirren to Meryl Streep to Anne Hathaway to Heather Graham to Drew Barrymore to Sandra Oh to Nia Vardalos to Cameron Diaz to Kate Winslet to Meg Ryan to Bette Midler to Goldie Hawn to Julia Roberts . . . and those are just the actresses I like. I could go on and on about the actors I lust for, but I think I've made my point.
Today, I think I'll watch Heather Graham in Cake, followed by Diane Lane in Under the Tuscan Sun . . . and Sandra Oh is in both movies, and pregnant in both.
Why is this stuff so much fun? I don't know. Maybe I'm pathetic, but I must not be alone. This is a billion dollar industry, after all.
So if you're sick and need something to fill your hours, or if you're feeling lonely, nostalgic, bored, tired, or just in the mood to wile away a Sunday afternoon with some reliable old friends from the big screen, grab your favorite and plug it in.
Don't forget the popcorn! (See one of my September blog posts for a great recipe!)

Friday, October 3, 2014

On the varying definitions of "attractive"

Last Sunday in church I watched my good friend cuddling her little granddaughter and thought, “How rich she is!”
The child, around two, alternated between admiring my friend’s earrings and rubbing her cheek against my friend’s cheek.
My friend is a handsome woman of a certain age. She is not young, thin, rich or famous. Some people might look at her and miss her beauty. It was obvious that her granddaughter is not among these.
I recall my own grandmother’s soft, soft cheeks. I used to love to kiss her cheek, patterned with her life’s experience, and inhale her signature Miss Dior perfume. I thought she was absolutely beautiful, though at 88 she would have laughed at the idea. 
Why is it that as a society we’ve become so enamored of  a youthful image of beauty that we can’t find it elsewhere?
It’s been beaten to death in the same media that perpetuates the problem – what’s in, what sells, is youth and beauty. The result is a society of people who don’t feel “pretty” if they don’t conform with this image, popular since the 1960s when then 16-year-old British model Twiggy slid over from England and through the narrow cracks of our fashion industry with her slender, teen-aged body and became the new “face” (and body) of America, representing the new freedom of the 1960s. Before that, “normal” sized people had been, well, the norm.
 
Hey, it’s not Twiggy’s fault. If the market wasn’t prime for such an image, it wouldn’t have worked. And it’s been at work ever since, with greater and greater consequences.
I’m not putting down “thin” people. I know it’s as difficult to be too thin as to be too fat. (Not from personal experience, alas.) And I don’t want to become one of those jerks who puts down those more slender than I.
But there’s a happy medium. You know what it is. Go online to one of the many sites that give average healthy weights for various ages, heights and sexes. I, for example, at my height, age and sex, should weigh somewhere between “It’s none-of-your-business” and “Not-gonna-tell-in-this-lifetime, buddy,” pounds. I’m a skitch over. But working on it! If you want to lose a few, follow my sage advice below.
My advice? Don’t supersize your food, folks. My grandmother (with the soft cheeks!) always said, “A bargain’s only a bargain if you would have bought it in the first place.”
Well, unless you’re going to divvie up that supersized meal to feed four people, it’s not something you would have bought in the first place at regular rates. Come on! You don’t even feel good after you eat that much! Your stomach aches, admit it. But once it’s in your hands, you’ll be darned if you aren’t going to, “Make it fit!”
Seriously. Gross.
Here’s more unsolicited, no doubt unwelcome advice. Walk somewhere if you’re lucky enough to have feet that work; do something besides lying on the couch snarfing down Mt. Dew and Funions; and cut down the chances of an early death from sloth. I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on t.v. But EVERYBODY knows this stuff. Yet, we are still a very, very fat society in general.
Ok. Now let’s say for the sake of argument, that you’re happy with who you are. Maybe you’re Miss America! More likely, you’re Mr. or Ms. Middle American – average, and fine with that.
Yeah you!
Either way, the beauty that really matters is the beauty that can most easily be detected by a two-year-old child as she rubs her cheek against yours.
Am I saying I don’t want to be considered attractive?
Of course not! What I’m saying is that I hope I’m learning that there are many ways to be considered attractive, and that there’s a distinct possibility that this may change and evolve throughout the course of a normal lifespan.
I’m not trying to attract 20-year-old boys any more. Thank. God.
I’m not even putting a lot of effort into being attractive to men in my own age group.
What I want is to be attractive to myself. And to my friends. And to my family. And, eventually, to my grandchildren.
I’ll have to choose great earrings, and dab on some “purdy perfume.” And let my cheeks get soft and textured. After all, beauty isn’t really in the eye of the beholder. It’s in the heart. 
 

Thursday, October 2, 2014

On Living With Life's Annoying Little Lessons

Annoying Little Lessons
Recently I’ve felt that I’m becoming too crabby; too quick to become annoyed by people or events beyond my control. I’ve found myself griping about these people or events to others, and afterwards, I always feel like a big jerk.
Did Lucy Van Pelt from Peanuts have this problem? Or was she happy being crabby?
A friend even smacked my arm awhile back and said, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!”
And it hurt! My arm and my feelings. Mostly my arm. But I deserved her censure. I was annoying her.
Another friend often says, “You can think anything you like; just don’t say it out loud!”
I had already decided to try and practice this excellent advice before attending church one Sunday. What’s the good of complaining if you end up feeling worse after you do it, or if it just earns the disapproval of your friends?
Then, as so often happens, the sermon in church seemed to be aimed right between my eyes. Father talked about how people we find annoying can sometimes, “. . . ruin our Heaven on Earth,” simply by being there.
He suggested that when we run into someone who threatens to get on our nerves or put a damper on our day, or even to throw a serious wrench into our long term plans, instead of becoming annoyed with them we should look at the situation as an opportunity.
“When crosses come your way,” Father said, “say, ‘OK, God, here’s an opportunity for me to pursue Grace.’”
Maybe those people we find annoying are really in need of some understanding. Maybe with a little understanding, they’d become less annoying.
Or maybe they’re just idiots, but it won’t do us any good to let them rile us up.
(I refuse to entertain the possibility that I'm the annoying one, and they're all just putting up with me! Perish the thought!)
So that very afternoon I chided myself not to let a couple of perennial irritants get under my skin. I’m not going to tell you that I suddenly found that I liked these people, but frankly, those around me don’t want to listen to me complain all the time, so I have to realize that if I don’t stop griping about these people, I’ll be added to the “annoying persons” lists of people I actually like and respect! Horrible thought!
And at the day’s end, I felt a tiny bit better for having taken the high road. It didn’t even give me blisters.
Maybe this kind of personal growth is part of God’s plan for me. I could do with fewer such lessons, from my point of view. But no doubt learning self-control will come in handy in the future.
Even if it is a little annoying right now.
Oh! Back to the drawing board! 

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

On Knowing Which Spiders to Fear in your Home . . . and Which to Leave Alone.

Spiders . . . do you think they're cool? Or creepy?
If  you think they're creepy and don't want them in your home, you're definitely in the majority.
But wait a second. Before you squash Charlotte over there in her web; you might do better to leave a few of these interesting critters in your home.
WHAT? You shriek. But they're POISONOUS!!!
Ahem. First, allow me to point out that something we eat that poisons us is poisonous. Something that bites or stings us, causing us harm, is venomous.
Okay, that point being across, sure, most spiders are slightly venomous. That's how they kill their prey, after all. But since we humans are really, really big creatures, the venom of most spiders does little more than cause a red, itchy bump on our skin.
Yeah, yeah, of course some people react more seriously, and they should clean all critters out of their homes. But MOST people don't react badly to a spider bite, and can afford to keep a few eight-eyed pets scooting around, snacking up other pests we really don't want in the house, such as roaches and other undesirables.
It may comfort you to know that most spiders are of the "they'll leave you alone if you leave them alone" variety.
There are only two spiders found in Ohio that can cause serious harm: The Black Widow and The Brown Recluse. Now these two bad girls you don't want biting you. So know how to identify them, so you aren't freaking out every time you see a brown or blackish spider.
The Black Widow has a very shiny, black abdomen. You only have to worry about adult females, as the males and young are not venomous. That female has a red, orange or sometimes yellow hourglass on her tummy. But you usually can't see the underside of a spider, can you? One species found in northern Ohio also has a row of tiny, red dots across the top of her abdomen. This is helpful. They build cobwebby, stretched out webs which can be about a foot across, and like abandoned, quiet places like barns, sheds, garages, woodpiles, etc. Wear gloves when working in such areas.
The Brown Recluse is shy, and hides in similar places to the Black Widow. Inside, though, it'll go to the darkest, quietest place it can find, such as in a corner, drawer or closet. Unfortunately, it will go inside stored clothing, and can bite the person who puts it on. (Always shake out clothing that's been stored.)
This spider is brown, and has a violin shaped marking on its head, leading it to sometimes be called the Fiddleback. It's generally a uniform brown color, and has hairless legs.
So what if one of 'em bites you? Are you a gonner? Probably not. The bite of a Black Widow is very painful, and it is highly venomous. But it rarely manages to inject very much, so very few people in the U.S. -- less than one percent! -- die from the bite. But you'll suffer,  baby. Pain, swelling, redness, abdominal discomfort, headache, sweating. Sometimes more serious side effects include high blood pressure, nausea, vomiting, chest pain and difficulty breathing. If you are bitten by one, or suspect you have been, go to the doctor. (Duh?)
If a Brown Recluse bites you, you may experience some of these same symptoms. And additionally, the site of the bite may become necrotic, or die off, and have to be excised, or cut out, by a doctor. Not fun.
So these two you don't want around.
Ever notice you'll wake up in the morning with spider bites, often in a little row, across your belly or something? Well they're not eating you in your sleep. They're not blood suckers like mosquitoes, fleas or bed bugs. (If you have marks all the time, check into some of these other pests.)
A spider will be out for a walk, minding its own business, crossing your body as you sleep, and you'll move. That's when it bites, in self-defense. I mean, the mountain is moving! It's scary! Look at it from their point!
Because of this, there are some spiders you might want to keep out of your house. These would include wolf spiders (big, brown, hairy, carry their babies on their backs, very fast runners); crab spiders (pale, crab shaped wall crawlers that skitter sideways like a crab); and other non-web makers, because they roam around and are more likely to roam across you.
An exception is the very cool jumping spider. This harmless (to us! not to bugs) spider is very distinctive looking, with big pedipalps (those weird things in the front that may look like fangs, but are actually for grabbing) and distinctive, highly visible eyes. They come in all sizes and colors, making up the largest species of spiders. And they rarely bite. You can pick them up -- but I wouldn't necessarily recommend it. They're easy to identify, because instead of running, they jump everywhere. And they do this by relaxing their anti-jumping muscles!!! How cool is this?? I always leave these in my house, and they eat fruit flies, etc. Thanks, Spidy!
Two other types of spider I'll consider leaving alone are orb weavers, because they generally stay put in their lovely, intricate orb webs and catch lots of bugs...especially out on the porch; and the common house spider. It makes a cobwebby web and hangs out in it, and will only bite if you grab and squeeze it. And why would you do that? There's one living under my kitchen window sill right now, and it's eaten plenty of fruit flies and little ants this summer!
I'm not saying let your home fill up with webs and spiders. That would be unpleasant! I'm just saying think before you squash. Spiders are really pretty neat.
If you liked this blog post, wait til I get on my high horse about people who needlessly kill snakes!
(Remember, The Shabby Housekeeper is not an arachnid expert, and only spouts off for her own enjoyment. She can not be held accountable if you get bitten by something and suffer for it. Thank you.)


Monday, September 29, 2014

What's the coolest thing you've ever done?

This is a question you can't just answer off the top of your head . . . it requires a bit of thought.
First, let's eliminate all the Mother Theresa type answers, such as, "Giving birth to my beloved children," or "volunteering in a shelter for homeless puppies," or, "marrying the love of my life." Yeah, yeah, we know.
I'm talking about selfish acts here. Stuff you always wanted to do, and when you finally grabbed the bull by the horns, (this could be an actual answer!!), it was as fabulous as you'd always thought it would be.
I have a few contenders.
1. Whitewater rafting: This is very, very cool. Talk about a rush. And it comes in all different skill and comfort levels, so you can have just as much fun skimming over level 2 or 3 rapids as an expert gets from the big waves. Do I recommend this for others? Yes. But stick with your comfort zone. The bigger rapids can be S.C.A.R.Y.
2. Rappelling: Using a rope to descend from a height. I first did this in college, off the ROTC building at Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. Loved it! Later I had more opportunities with the Boy Scouts. But my ultimate (and final) experience came when I did a story for my former newspaper, and got to free rappel off a 100 foot cliff in Hocking Hills State Park. Do I recommend this for others? Maybe. I'm not going to do it any more, because, although it's a real rush, it's also a bit dangerous from the big heights. Seems like a dumb way to die.
3. Travel: Oh, yeah, travel for pleasure has to be one of the high points of anybody's life -- unless they're a stick-in-the-mud, or travel so much for work that when they get home they just want to stick, period!
I've only recently begun to scratch places off my extensive bucket list. I must highly recommend a cruise to anyone who isn't terrified of water travel. Best. Vacation. Ever. (So far!) Places still on my bucket list include: Iceland (want to see the Northern Lights AND a volcano erupting out of a glacier!!); Ireland; Scotland; England; Italy; Paris; the American West (the month-long driving trip, I'm a thinkin'!); Alaska; Hawaii; Australia. The moon would be great, wouldn't it? Probably not going to happen in my lifetime, alas.
So these are all very cool experiences. But they're topped, I think, by the last thing.


4. The coolest thing I've ever done that was purely selfish was to ride in an Air National Guard Blackhawk helicopter. I got the opportunity when I was working as an editor at the National Boy Scout Jamboree in Fort AP Hill, Va. back in 2010. I did a story that got me a ride. I was harnessed in like a kid in a car seat, sitting right next to an open door 300 feet up in the air while we swooped and banked over the Jamboree for 45 minutes. I took lots of great photos, and had the time of my life. This is something I'll probably never get to do again, and I LOVED every minute of it. Thanks, guys from the Kansas Air Guard. Would I recommend this to others? Oh, HELL yeah.
My advice, in  general, is this: Life is short; often shorter than we can anticipate. Don't take stupid chances, but don't pass up chances stupidly. If  you want to do something . . . REALLY want to do something . . . make like Nike and Just Do It!
So what's on your list? I'd love to hear!


Thursday, September 25, 2014

on Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse -- or whatever.

“If you’re prepared for Zombies, you’re prepared for anything,” is the motto Kansas Governor Sam Brownback has coined as he prepares to sign a proclamation declaring October “Zombie Preparedness Month” in Kansas. 
He figures that even though most people are unlikely to come up against brain-eating Zombies any time soon, just about anything else can happen. And if you’re prepared to hole up and wait out those pesky Zombies, then you’re probably prepared for tornadoes, severe storms, flooding, fire and other natural disasters – of which, I suppose, a Zombie apocalypse could be one.
So. What to do to prepare? Why, get your home emergency kit ready, of course.

 So what goes in the kit? Depends who you ask. Apocalypse survivalists would probably tell you to put a few additional items in your kit, but here’s what the CDC and Red Cross recommend:
Two week’s worth of non-perishable food; three day’s worth of water for each family member (1 gallon per person per day); food and water for pets; know how to shut off your gas, electric and water; flashlight and batteries; battery powered or hand cranked radio (NOAA Weather Radio if possible); two-way radios; whistles in case people get lost; duct tape; household liquid bleach; work gloves; matches & fire starters; first aid kit; a week’s worth of necessary meds for each family member; multi-purpose tool (like a Swiss Army Knife or a Leatherman tool); toilet paper, sanitary napkins, diapers, etc.; copies of personal documents such as proof of address, deed/lease to home, car, passports, birth certificates, insurance policies, prescriptions; cell phone with charger (battery if possible); emergency contact info; cash; sleeping bags, emergency blankets; baby formula & bottles; map of area; a few games or decks of cards.
Whatever else you think you’ll need, such as your gun and ammo to drive away those Zombies.
And if you really want to be prepared, make a portable “GO BAG” that’s ready to be grabbed and run with in the event you have to abandon your home. Put the meds, paper work and other small items in the GO BAG. You could keep a few essential survival things in each car, including sleeping bags, a tent, fire starter stuff, some food, water, etc. The idea is to be able to survive until the public infrastructure is back up, or to be able to bug out fast with the essentials and not waste time trying to think what you’ll need in a crisis.
Is my stuff ready? No. But I promise here and now to get it done by Halloween. 
And here’s a bit of cautionary advice from Kansas’ governor: “You just can’t stab a tornado in the eye with a tire iron and expect it to stop, so keep that in mind,” Brownback said.
Got that? Okay. You’re ready to roll!