on DIE-t Time!

I'm no special snow flake. It's a new year, so I'm going for my typical, annual resolution: Lose Weight.
Never worked before, so I'm optimistically figuring it will this year!
What's different? Not my ability to fool myself, that's for sure!
So, how am I at least going to attempt to go about succeeding this time around?
I am going to Eat Less and Exercise More.
Yes, that is my big, secret plan.
Take in fewer calories, burn more.
So today, January 3, I started the 2017 DIE-t.
I'm going to eliminate bread, and pasta is only allowed A) On cheat day or B) in a diet frozen meal.
Cheat day is Sunday. Period. Not Sunday, plus Saturday on even months, but including Friday on days ending in "Y"
And cheat day is not the day to eat 12,000 calories, thus undoing the whole week's hard work. Cause guess what? Turns out calories are cumulative!
I know, it isn't fair, but there you have it. You can eat a righteous 1200 calories a day all week, and blow it all in one hard cheat day. That is not good on Monday when you step on the scale and you've gained all the week's weight-loss back, plus a couple pounds for good measure.
Booze is out, except, again, on cheat day. Yeah,  a glass of red wine may be healthy for my heart, but it's bad for my waistline, and that's bad for my heart, so it undoes its good effects in this case.
Wine can come back in about 60 pounds.
In is one Brazil nut every day. I read in Prevention magazine it's good for me...can't remember why.
Also in are cranberries. They want you to eat them raw, but yuck! I'll go with the dried, and try to find them without added sugar.
In is one, low fat Greek yogurt every morning. No sweat, as I was already enjoying this. That 12 grams of protein kick-starts my day and holds me over til lunch.
I'm adding a hard boiled egg to this morning routine, and all the high-test coffee I can drink, all day, til 5 p.m. when I'll switch to decaff.
Permissible lunch and dinner foods include soup, salad, eggs, lean meats, veggies, fruit, nuts, grains such as brown rice.
Out is delicious stuff like butter, maple syrup, high fat salad dressing, cereal, pancakes, sweets, candy, cookies, brownies, muffins. You get it.
Then, I must consider exercise as part of this goal. And I have.
I plan to swim once a week; lift weights once a week; walk twice a week, most likely on this nasty contraption in my living room in front of a movie.
I'll also try to throw in extra stair flights daily; yoga; and walking instead of driving where feasible.
So where does all this lead me? Hopefully, to a weight that doesn't register as dangerously obese on the health charts.
Did you know obese is not hard to be? Check out your weight, height, age, sex, etc on a BMI chart, and prepare to be depressed.
I'll tell you true, I have a long way to go, but I'm over 50 and don't want to die stupid. Heart disease? Stroke? Cancer? Injury? Diabetes? Hip and knee replacements? All can be traced to obesity.
So I'm a gonna wake up and stop smelling the bacon, and start getting smart, and lean and mean! (Mean, cause I love to eat, so fair warning.)
My target weight: 145.
My time limit: One year.
Weight to lose: That would be telling! ha! suffice to say, it's more than 60 pounds. Only a little more than five pounds a month. I can DO this!
I'm hoping for 15 pounds the first month, as my body doesn't realize what's happening to it. After that, it'll slow way down.
Here. I. Go!
(Only three days until Sunday!!!)

Stink Bugs and Other Bad Things to Eat

A couple weeks ago, I was innocently digging out the last few tasty morsels from the bottom of a bag of Andy Cap Cheddar Fries; crunchy, cheesy, slightly-stale-deliciousness.
Suddenly, my enjoyment was interrupted when the cheesy taste in my mouth switched to the unmistakable flavor of . . . stink bug!
Argh!

Stink Bug

Spit spit spit. My son stood there laughing helplessly as I flushed my mouth out with handfuls of water. Which did no good.
Soon, a burning sensation filled my mouth and spread across my lips.
"Google what happens when you eat a stink bug!" I ordered my son as I brewed a strong cup of coffee.
"Hmmm...says here they release a mild toxin that irritates your mouth tissues. And if you swallow one, you could end up nauseous and vomiting!"
He looked at me hopefully. "Do you feel like vomiting?"
"I didn't swallow it! You saw me spit it out."
"Still, are you sure?"
"Do you want me to be sick?" He shrugged. "Just want to see how accurate the article is."
I shook my head and guzzled coffee. My mouth tasted like a stink bug, and before you ask how I know what a stink bug tastes . . . well, how I knew before I ate one . . . they taste just like they smell. Unmistakable!
It was not a pleasant experience. From my selfish point of view, it matters little that it was way worse for the (late) bug.
You can't avoid stink bugs in our house during the winter. They come in through microscopic cracks and fly around, sounding like bumble bees. If you squash one, it stinks. Hence the name. They can also release a stinky goo when startled, so try not to offend the little blighters.
Related to stink bugs in my mind, if not in fact, is another little beetle, the Ladybug. She's much more socially acceptable, with her pretty, red shell decorated with those iconic black polka-dots.

Lady Bug

But like the stink bug, when threatened, she releases a foul smelling and tasting chemical. That's her protection against being eaten.
But it doesn't work against drowning. In Mt. Dew. MY Mt. Dew.
Tonight, I enjoyed a rare indulgence; a can of that delicious, bilious green pop chock-a-block full of calories, caffeine and sugar. I noticed the Ladybug crawling around on the table, but ignored it.
My mistake.
Awhile later, I took a swig of Dew . . . and drowned carcass of Ladybug tipped into my mouth.
Argh!
Spit spit spit. At least I didn't CHEW this one. So there was no foul taste.

Evil Bug (www.telltalegames.com)

But the Dew was probably full of chemical released during her unfortunate accident in MY POP.

So I dumped it out, sadly.

Now I'm having a cup of tea I can see into.
Two bugs in one month is a record for me. Reminds me of the time I brushed my teeth only to find a long beetle had been nestling in the bristles of the toothbrush.
What IS it with me and beetles?
 And then there was the time back in college I woke up to find a giant roach drinking my Mt. Dew. Maybe the pop is the connection? I literally heard the insect sipping my pop. That's a story for another time. Bottoms up! And eyes open!