Are the Waste-Not-Want-Not Police after you, too?

Nothing, Nothing, Nothing to Eat

There's Nothing To Eat in This House

How do they expect us to live, when there's nothing to eat in this house?

Makings of a meal from NOTHING TO EAT!

Nothing. To. Eat. 

Nothing. To. Eat. Send Help. 

Ah. Something delicious to eat after all!

Ok. I think we've known each other long enough for me to discuss a subject most people find a bit . . . uncomfortable.

I mean, there's nothing illegal about it . . . it's probably not even immoral, except from some points of view. (The Waste-Not-Want-Not Police have been in touch. I'm on probation.)

I'm talking about . . . sob! . . . food waste!

When I was a child, we did think it was against the law to waste our food. Remember how all those kids were starving in China? Well, somehow, shoveling all your corn beef hash into your gullet was supposed to make those far-away kids feel better. And since my dad wouldn't take my suggestion that we mail those cans of hash to China – honestly, I was willing to go without! – we dutifully did it.

Throwing perfectly good food away was never a cause of food waste in my home.

There are many causes of food waste: Maybe you don't get around to eating canned goods and they expire; or you don't get around to eating fresh fruits, veggies, meat and dairy items and they go bad; or you don't get around to eating leftovers and they . . . go . . . . um . . . well. I guess there's only one real cause of food waste.

But I blame the kids in a typical household for any of these varieties of the same cause of food waste. Why? Because kids don't want to eat what's good for them. They only want to eat pre-packaged, high sodium, high fat, high sugar, high priced stuff (kind of what I like to eat, come to think of it) and it all gets eaten within two hours of any grocery store trip, and then, from the kids point of view, there is NOTHING TO EAT in the house in spite of the presence of perhaps thousands of dollars worth of food in various forms.

My kids are typical. They'll come out of whatever cave they've been hibernating in, hands frozen into place around a video game controller, and grunt at me: “What's there to eat?”

Having successfully raised three out of five of my children and booted them out of the house, (read: Having lovingly given them the tools they need to take on the big, wide world and tearfully waved them on their way in the cars I helped pay for powered by gas I helped pay for on their way to colleges or apartments I helped pay for,) I'm now immune to churlish children.

“I don't know,” I reply without taking my eyes from my book, a bodice buster by one of my favorite romance authors.

Don't I mean “Bodice Ripper?” you ask.

No. I like to read books about plus size heroines, so they're more in the line of bodice busters. Have you ever tried to squeeze double D's into a bodice?

But, I digress. The kids will then head to the kitchen, open the refrigerator door and proceed to stand there staring at the bounteous contents until ice crystals form on the tips of their noses.

“There's nothing to eat,” they'll grumble, slamming the fridge, and opening the door to the lazy Susan; a door which hardly closes because the cupboard is so jam-packed with food items.

“There's nothing to eat here, either,” they grumble. “Why don't you buy any food?”

At this, I may raise my eyes heavenward, but I still forbear not to comment. Because if I can't say something nice, I shouldn't say anything, right?

But I'm tired of it.

So. I have decided to stop enabling this problem by hauling home a couple hundred dollars worth of new food every week and then having to try and find a place to fit it in the already overcrowded fridge, freezer or cabinets.

I will sparingly purchase perishables such as dairy and meat, and that is all, until my cupboards are bare.

Old Mother Hubbard will have to stare into my cabinets, scratch her head and disappoint her poor doggie before I will again purchase anything to go onto those shelves.

Each day, I'll include a little cupboard report to let you know how this is proceeding.

To catch you up, since I began this project four days ago:

Day One: I photographed my fridge, freezer and cupboards. I then made Skyline Chili style spaghetti with a recently purchased, frozen pack of Skyline sauce, spaghetti noodles, not-yet-expired sour cream, a can of kidney beans I couldn't remember buying, and shredded cheddar, the only new purchase of that meal.

Day Two: I made some tasty, tasty Kraft mac 'n cheese (It is pretty cheesy, you've got to admit), had some of those kidney beans on the side (I do like me some kidney beans!), and opened a can of cranberry sauce left over from Thanksgiving. Still perfectly good.

Day Three: I made rice, added the rest of those kidney beans, (oh! How the kids groaned!) tossed on some garlic salt and shredded cheddar, and topped it with salsa. Yum! And the cranberry sauce made a nice side dish.

Last night: Spam sandwiches! With cranberry sauce garnish.

Ok, maybe we aren't eating in the most healthy fashion during this project, but we are eating for FREE out of our stockpile of food. And we're going to eat it all before we buy more.

I'm done wasting food.

Can you answer me one question? Exactly how long does a frozen Christmas fruit cake actually last?

Tomorrow: The Wonderful Swiffer WetJet.